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Post by Samira on May 13, 2009 19:54:06 GMT -5
Heeey. So I know you might hate this. Sorry. I'd like a character bio, to start with, and if I don't grade it soon enough and you get restless, give me a post with your character, k?
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Post by peanutfu on May 15, 2009 14:48:17 GMT -5
Name: Iduna
Race: Half Elf
Age: 25
Gender: Female
Appearance: She has a pale skin tone. Her hair a wispy brown with a hint of gray. It slides over her right eye hiding her scar from a dryad in battle. Her lips are dry but uncracked. She has been parched for about three months. She has a small slit on her left arm from a griffin. Her eyes are a mix of green and brown. They are filled with a passion to kill. She wants to avenge herself, show others she was weak but now is strong. She is ghost white for living in the darkness. She has a long scar on her back. It was caused in battle by a mage using a two headed sword.
Belongings:Her clothes made of dragon skin that she made herself. The amour on it is piercing steel. Her skin tight amour is made of a unicorn hyde. Her heels carved from dragon claws. She carrys a bow made from dragons horns. The string is made from unicorn mane. Her quiver is made from wood and steel. She wears a pendant from a lynx tooth.
Personality: She has a somewhat sour attitude towards all. She can be cynical and sarcastic when she wants. It seems to amuse her to the most part to watch other animals to squirm which makes her laugh. She has a dark side of her humor. She can be hppy and such at some times. Her face gives off the "touch me, I kill you" type of look. She can give off a challenge every now and then. It seems to scare some yet, give a thrill to others. She is a natural born hunter and sports woman. She knows the woods and back country by heart. She is sometimes a little depressing and bored. She finds unusual ways to amuse herself. Her attacks are quick and fierce.
Other: She has a very good sense of direction. Her ears are as good as dogs. Her vision is as great as a hawk.
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Post by Samira on May 24, 2009 14:28:49 GMT -5
K. Forgive me, but I'm a very picky person, so here goes the grading.
First of all, I don't know how much of this you care about, but 25 is VERY young for an Elf. They are immortal and therefore rate age quite differently. Mine is a relatively young elf and I think she's a fewe hundred years old. (I can't remember and I'm far too lazy to check!=) Next, you wrote "Her hair a wispy brown with a hint of grey." as a complete sentence. That is not a complete sentence as there is no verb in it. "Her hair is a wispy brown..." would make it complete. Next of all, the thing about being parched should go in history or other, since that won't be the case forever. Same with the small slit - that wouldn't go in appearance. You would just mention that in the roleplay, since it would only be there for a short time probably. The sentence "she is ghost white for living in the darkness", I think for should be changed for from to make it more understandable. "two headed sword" should be "two-headed sword." Also, your sentences seem choppy. They are almost all short. They are almost all one noun and one verb. They are choppy. See what i mean? If you combined some of them using conjunctions and semi-colons it would sound a bit more professional and a bit more interesting. Besides that, I believe the rules say that Appearance has to be at least five lines, is that right? Yours is three and a half, so you would need to find more adjectives to describe it. Go with what clothes she usually wears or something. The bit about wanting to avenge herself ought to go in personality, because it has nothing to do with what she looks like, but what is inside of her. In Belongings, "skin tight armour" should be "skin-tight armour" with a hyphen in it. "Unicorn hyde" would be "unicorn hide" and "her heels carved from dragon claws" is a fragment, not a complete sentence. They drive me nuts unless used properly in a post. There are times for fragments, but not in a bio the way you used them. Again, your sentences are short. Your sentences are choppy. If you combine more of them, they would flow better.
Your first sentence in Personality - "she has a somewhat sour attitude towards all" - all what? If you said everyone, or everything, or all things around her, or something like that, it would be clearer. "It seems to amuse her to the most part to watch other animals to squirm which makes her laugh." That is a weird sentence. "To the most part" seems out of place. It's hard to figure out quite what you mean by it. And then "to watch other animals to squirm" I think you should take out the to before "squirm." "Which makes her laugh" is tacked onto the end rather awkwardly. That is one place where putting it into its own short sentence would be appropriate - necessary, even. "It seems to scare some yet, give a thrill to others." That should be "It seems to scare some, yet give a thrill to others." Just a comma in the wrong place. "Sports woman" should either be hyphenated or made one word. And, last thing: "Her ears are as good as dogs. Her vision is as great as a hawk." You should have put either dogs' or a dog's, and it should have been hawk's, since what you're really saying is "Her vision is as great as a hawk's vision is."
K. There you go. Long list. Oooh and one last thing - Personality ought to be at least 2 lines longer in order to comply with rules. So please make necessary changes and i'll check it again. =) See you in August!
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Post by peanutfu on May 25, 2009 17:31:16 GMT -5
Name: Iduna
Race: Half Elf
Age: 250 yrs old
Gender: Female
Appearance: She has a pale skin tone. Her hair is a wispy brown with a hint of gray. It slides over her right eye hiding her scar from a dryad in battle. Her lips are dry but uncracked. Her eyes are a mix of green and brown. They are filled with a passion to kill. She wants to avenge herself, show others she was weak but now is strong. She is ghost white from living in the darkness. She has a long scar on her back. It was caused in battle by a mage using a two-headed sword.
Belongings:Her clothes made of dragon skin that she made herself; the amour on it is piercing steel. Her skin tight amour is made of a unicorn hyde. Her heels and bow carved from dragon claws and horns. The string is made from unicorn mane. Her quiver is made from wood and steel. She wears a pendant from a lynx tooth.
Personality: She has a somewhat sour attitude towards all things around her. She can be cynical and sarcastic when she wants. It seems to amuse her, to watch other animals squirm. When this occasion happens it seems to make her laugh. She has a dark side of her humor. She can be hppy and such at some times. Her face gives off the "touch me, I kill you" type of look. She can give off a challenge every now and then. It seems to scare some, yet give a thrill to others. She is a natural born hunter and sportswoman. She knows the woods and back country by heart. She is sometimes a little depressing and bored and she finds unusual ways to amuse herself. Her attacks are quick and fierce. She has a very dull sense of humor.
Other: She has a very good sense of direction. Her ears are as good as dog's. Her vision is as great as a hawk's is.
(not done editing)
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